


And After All of That, I Still Came Home to You

by krysanteemi



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Trauma, Vaguely Canon-compliant, Vomiting, anyway enjoy gays and unconditional love, brain goes brr at fictional characters processing their trauma, me? writing h/c to cope?? It's more likely than you think, mostly because i can't remember the details of the episode, this is like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26754685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krysanteemi/pseuds/krysanteemi
Summary: Even if you can't see it, the Delta Quadrant leaves its mark. Every day you get up, you do your job and hope that whatever monstrosity lurks just beyond the corner won't get you all killed before you can find your way home. But still, while everyone has to carry on, that mark burns. It festers into black, rotten charcoal until it's too much, and you can't take it anymore.Seven runs, and Janeway takes notice.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/Seven of Nine
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	And After All of That, I Still Came Home to You

Out of everything, the stench was by far the worst part. It wasn’t the repulsive taste of sick still dribbling down her lips, not the sweat making her biosuit cling to her like a second layer of skin, not even the way her every breath made her want to throw up all over again.

It was the horrid mix of smells. Stomach acid, sweat and the sterile smell of the bathroom violated her nostrils with such force that she had to do her best to avoid inhaling altogether, which made her already ragged breathing even more erratic.

Seven flushed the toilet, watching the contents swirl away, out of her sight and breathed in deep. Her face relaxed in relief as the air became clearer, moment by moment. She could finally close her eyes for a bit. Seven lay against the bathroom wall, sighing at the feeling of it’s cool steel pressing against her skin, and how it made the small bathroom feel just a little less suffocating. Her throat was burning, imaginary flames licking her insides, and it took all her effort to keep herself from pushing her head back into the toilet bowl.

It had been a long time. It must have been more than a year since the edges of her vision blurred like the lens of a microscope refusing to focus. It had been even longer since her body had entered an easily distinguishable dissociative state. Even longer than that since she’d had a reaction so strong that she would shout out. 

This was one of those cases. A horrible mix of all the worst symptoms. Somewhere inside of her there was a part that had a very strong desire to stay in this very bathroom until the day had stretched well past the time most humans required regeneration. She knew she had done nothing to give her a reason to feel ashamed, but regardless, she couldn’t shake the feeling.

Someone was probably on their way to check on her by now. The way Seven rushed through corridors in such a hurry would definitely get people talking. They would do the same with anyone else, but, much like everything else, it was much more unusual because it was her. Seven remembered bumping into several people, and she could vaguely recall stumbling through a group of ensigns wearing engineering yellows, and Seven was certain they wouldn’t shy away from letting their friends know. B’Elanna was probably already informed. She’d probably share the gossip with Tom, who would relay it up to Chakotay, and finally, he would send the message all the way to-

”Seven?”

As the human expression goes, ’speak of the devil’.

”Greetings, Captain,” Seven replied, pressing her fingers against her temples. A stabbing pain was beginning to pound in the back of her head, feeding the already unbearable nausea, and she dearly hoped that it wouldn’t last long. 

Shoes clicked against the tiled floor and Seven could spot the tips of Captain Janeway’s boots from the small space underneath the door.

”Do you mind if I come in?”

”By cross-referencing your dominant personality traits with your observed behaviour and personal history, I have come to the conclusion that you are likely to enter regardless of how I reply.”

A small, strained laugh drifted through the door. The sound made Seven’s shoulders weigh a little less. 

”While, were it up to me,” there was a shade of worry in Janeway’s voice, like Seven had said something out of turn, ”I’d love to break this thing down to get to you and make sure you’re alright, but what’s much more important to me right now is that you and your personal space are respected. Your choice always matters, Seven. Always. No buts or what ifs. All you need to do is say no and I will leave you be, if that’s what you need right now. As long as you take care of yourself, it’s a-ok by me.”

Take care of yourself. The words stung somewhere inside Seven, like squeezing a drop of lemon juice on an open wound, and the force of it was so strong that Seven found herself curling up without even realizing it. Her head spun and she leaned further into the wall, the cool surface penetrating the heat that threatened to overwhelm her, and she thought about those words. Take care of yourself. Upon reflection, Seven found that she wasn’t sure how she should go about taking care of herself. Heading back to the storage bay to regenerate filled her with as much dread as simply attempting to resume her duties as usual. Every option was a dead end, a brick wall that threatened to crush her under it’s weight, and the knot of confusion tangled itself further, causing her to simply short-circuit. She was at a loss.

”I..” Seven began, and she could hear Janeway holding her breath to make out the quietly whispered words as they painfully passed through her throat. ”I am not sure I am capable.”

Whatever idle movement Janeway was making on the other side, in that instant it stilled completely. ”Would you let me in, Seven?”

Silence. 

Just as the Captain was about to repeat her request, she heard hoarse words, barely audible say: ”I am afraid that in my current state, I cannot say what is the most efficient solution. According to data, sharing a moment of vulnerability with someone you are close to should help with processing emotion, but I feel reluctant. The cause of this is unknown. I find myself unable to make a logically backed solution.”

”Alright, how about this? I come in, and if at any point you feel uncomfortable I leave, give you some distance.”

”That seems like a viable option.”

The lock slid open, and Janeway entered to find Seven crumpled on the floor, holding her head with one hand, while the other was sheltering her eyes from the light. Her hair had fallen out of it’s usually carefully kept bun, the strands falling down her back and over her face, framing her painfully red-rimmed eyes. If Janeway had ever seen someone who needed a cup of something warm, this was them. She slid down the wall to sit next to Seven, and turned to face her. Janeway reached out her hand slowly, her eyes glued to Seven, looking for permission, and when Seven nodded, Janeway placed her palm on Seven’s arm, her thumb rubbing sweat soaked fabric in a soothing motion.

”What happened, Seven?” Janeway asked, and the look of fear on her face gave Seven a sudden urge to apologize for causing the Captain to worry. She waited a while. The effort of putting together a cohesive sentence was making her head spin all over again, and she had to take a moment to force the words out.

”I experienced a sudden and violent panic attack.”

Janeway nodded.

”Do you know what caused it?” she asked.

Another moment of quiet. Seven considered what to say, letting the events fall in place inside her head, forming some kind of a consistent narrative she could share.

”I entered the dining hall to fulfill my daily nutritional needs. Mister Neelix offered me his recommendation, and upon registering the smell of it, my brain was triggered into a flashback. It was a smell very distinctly similar to burning flesh. Such could often be observed when the Borg assimilated a new species through more.. experimental means. I believe that specifically, I was reminded of my time spent with the Borg Queen, this time as a conscious individual aware of my actions, instead of a complacent drone.”

_Ah_ , Janeway thought. _One day I’ll turn that ancient home computer into pulp, and I won’t be sorry for a second._

When Janeway shook out of her thoughts, she could see Seven’s hands shaking as she held them in front of her face, her eyes firmly staring without seeing, watching her trembling fingers with rising terror.

”I am responsible,” she muttered, the usual power and stability in her voice gone, replaced by an uncertainty completely foreign to her. 

Janeway felt a fire light up inside her.

”No.”

Seven snapped out of her reverie, jumping a little, as if she had forgotten the captain was there at all. Janeway’s voice had been firm, even tinged with anger if Seven was reading her correctly. Janeway looked at Seven’s hands, still held up, and offered her own hand, palm facing up. ”May I?” she asked, changing her voice to a gentler tone, and when Seven nodded her confirmation, she took the hand into hers, her fingers sliding against a palm slick with sweat. ”What you did is not your fault,” Janeway said, emphasising every word. ”You were blackmailed. The lives of your closest friends were in immediate danger, and you were handed the keys to keeping them safe. Of course you took the opportunity, even if it meant falling into the Borg Queen’s hands. In situations like that you’re forced to make choices, and you chose to save what few lives you could, even while faced with horrifying odds if you were found out. You took the cards you were given and played them as best you could.”

Janeway paused for breath, and Seven found herself unable to hold the Captain’s intense gaze.

”You’re not there anymore Seven,” Janeway said, her voice so frail she was afraid her words might shatter like porcelain. ”You’re home now.”

To her confusion, Seven felt tears pricking her eyes. Her cheeks flushed and she looked down, keeping her eyes trained firmly on the tile floor.

”You’re safe,” Janeway whispered, her eyes filling with such an amount of love and patience that Seven couldn’t take it. A single sob escaped her throat. One small, wretched little thing that came out so raw, so full of emotion that it might as well have cut her lips as she let it out.

”I am afraid,” Seven whispered, her voice quivering so badly she wasn’t sure Janeway could make out the words. 

Without a moment of hesitation, Janeway opened her arms. Seven dove towards Janeway, the corners of her lips already twitching, another sob on it’s way. Janeway pulled Seven close, throwing her arm around Seven’s shoulders and entangling the tips of her fingers into soft, blonde hair, matted and coarse. Seven let her head fall on Janeway’s shoulder, and her body convulsed with grief as she finally let her choked cries free to echo in the room. They sounded strangled and fearful, revealing just how confusing being vulnerable felt. Janeway shifted, so that she was facing Seven, so close that their noses were almost touching. 

”It’s alright to be afraid,” Janeway said, struggling to find the right words. She had to focus to keep her voice steady, to keep the tremor out of it. ”I’ve come across many horrible things in my life, but few have tried to destroy me as thoroughly as my own fears. Fear feeds itself. It should be nipped in the bud as soon as it surfaces, before it can spiral out of control and grow too big for you to handle.The best weapon against it that I’ve found so far, has been a person you can trust. It doesn’t have to be with your life, but all the better if you do. Find someone who knows you well enough to sit you down and tell you that it’ll turn out just fine in the end. Someone who loves you, cares for you, and wants to be there for you, even in the darkest of times.” Janeway slowly reached out and tucked a few stray hairs behind Seven’s ear, letting her hand remain on her soft, tearstained cheek. ”You’re not alone, Seven, and I hope you never will be again. My door is always open for you, and I’m sure there are many others on Voyager who would be more than happy to offer you a helping hand. We’re here for you.” Janeway caressed Seven’s cheek and pulled her closer, pressing their foreheads against each other. ”I’m here for you.”

A sudden gut-wrenching cry clawed it’s way out of Seven as she curled up even further, her breath coming out in uneven gasps. Janeway held on tighter and stroked Seven’s hair, running her fingers from the roots to the tips. 

”I’m here, Seven,” Janeway said and embraced Seven, holding on for dear life. ”For as long as you’ll have me.”

Seven dug deep into Janeway’s arms, allowing herself, just for this moment, to let go. To simply be, to feel, without social protocol or rules. She wasn’t required to observe carefully, to remain constantly focused to know if it was alright for her to say or do something. She could just exist, right here, where she was accepted. Here, where the person holding her had nothing but affection for her, where she could feel safe enough to actually let herself be afraid, and to share that fear. It was so overwhelming, so awfully difficult and above all, far scarier than many of the things Seven had encountered on their journey through the Delta Quadrant.

But oh, was it _freeing_.

Janeway didn’t know how long she was sat there, witnessing Seven letting it all out, but it did take a good while. Finally, though, Seven’s cries became hiccups, and her trembling subsided. A heavy weight settled into her body, all the way to the bones, until all energy had left her. Janeway seemed to notice, because all of a sudden she started to shimmy her way back on her feet. Her knees cracked, very audibly, and Janeway let out a snort of laughter.

”God, I’m not as young as I used to be,” she said, shaking her head. ”I think we should get out of here. God knows we could both use a good cup of tea and something soft to sit on. Does that sound alright, or do you need more time to get your bearings?”

”I will accompany you,” Seven replied. She stretched her legs in front of her, at least as far as they could go in the cramped cubicle, and gave her shoulders a roll before getting up. Every muscle seemed to be half-asleep. Halfway through getting on her feet, her vision went dark and she stumbled forwards, directly into Janeway, who caught her with an ease that seemed almost practiced. 

”Careful,” Janeway said with a chuckle, holding onto Seven until she was standing straight and steady. Seven stretched to her full height, wincing at the popping sound that came from her back, and she let out a relieved sigh as blood started to circulate back into her limbs. Janeway offered Seven her arm, unabashedly grinning as she did. Seven cocked her brow in amusement, and took hold of it, curling her arm around Janeway’s, her fingers digging into the Starfleet uniform’s coarse fabric.

They opened the door leading outside to find the lights dimmed and the hallway abandoned. Not a single footstep could be heard. 

”Seems we were holed up longer than we thought,” Janeway laughed, but her smile fell when her eyes landed on Seven, whose face was once again draped in worry.

”I apologize, Captain,” Seven said, feeling a flush rise to her cheeks. She’d had no idea that it had taken such a long time for her to recover.

”It’s quite alright, Seven,” Janeway reassured her, ”if someone had needed me, they would’ve called.”

”I suppose that is true.”

An awkward silence filled the space between them.

”I, uh, guess this is where we say our good nights,” Janeway said, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice. It had been a while since she’d been able to sit down with Seven and actually talk, and now that that moment was here she didn’t want to let it go so soon. Of course, she took no joy in seeing Seven like this, but she had definitely missed spending time with her, what with captain duties and all other shenanigans taking up all her time.

”Actually, Captain,” Seven said, and found looking Janeway in the eye was harder than it should be. The flush crept back on her cheeks, only this time several shades darker.  
Seven hoped the lighting was dim enough for it to go unnoticed. ”I would like to ask if I might accompany you for the evening. I feel that spending time with you has improved my condition significantly, and don’t see any reason why it shouldn’t keep doing so.”

Janeway beamed and stood up straighter, looking at Seven with a mischievous glint in her eye. ”Shall we then?”

Seven nodded, smiling to herself and allowed Janeway to lead their way to the turbolift, and hopefully towards a good night’s regeneration.


End file.
